They hide in dark spots, waiting to spit if I stop.
Sometimes I see their greasy boxes with clothes
draped over like shrines to the fallen. I recognize
the grainy cough and cover, sinking so far I need
a priest, even though I’ve never been catholic.
Father can’t help me if I don’t stop running
downtown at midnight, sharing the same streets
he tries to clean through prayers. If they catch me,
on the corner, they can have me, I say as cocky
as the stacked building I’m passing. I spit,
choking on night air, hollow and dry enough
to give me nose bleeds every winter but, still,
I continue to a place that’s even darker, more
unsafe. Then I close my eyes and circle,
until I’m too tired to know what I’ve done.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Apple Heart
If I could, I’d split, half-eaten,
like an apple heart,
instead, I have worms, eating everything
I need for her to understand.
The seeds are words, choking me
when mother says, Don’t come
to my funeral. It’s what you do
before. I can’t swallow her
death, barely, when she’s too
cold for life. The bite is more
than I can make excuses for
without sounding like a pushover.
like an apple heart,
instead, I have worms, eating everything
I need for her to understand.
The seeds are words, choking me
when mother says, Don’t come
to my funeral. It’s what you do
before. I can’t swallow her
death, barely, when she’s too
cold for life. The bite is more
than I can make excuses for
without sounding like a pushover.
Wormhole
When I heard the word, I didn’t know meaning
but made my own and inched into age.
Everything was the same except location.
I sat still, head slightly bowed, like just woken,
perspective, neither happy or sad.
Twelve minutes, twelve days, twelve years,
I couldn’t tell as the mirror held my face,
red from sea mist. I sustained, then
slowed breaths to forty beats away
from another ocean not so far away.
but made my own and inched into age.
Everything was the same except location.
I sat still, head slightly bowed, like just woken,
perspective, neither happy or sad.
Twelve minutes, twelve days, twelve years,
I couldn’t tell as the mirror held my face,
red from sea mist. I sustained, then
slowed breaths to forty beats away
from another ocean not so far away.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Fireflies
If I peeled my skin, removed eyes,
fireflies would bolt from folds and sockets,
nine of them, going round your head.
Two in each ear, buzzing strictly words,
I hope to God, the yellow light doesn’t
seep and pour another’s beauty.
You might place her skin, her eyes
and hold the other four flies
in your mouth to die, then let
the ninth fly away with my life
but you wouldn’t or couldn’t
because fireflies are beautiful.
fireflies would bolt from folds and sockets,
nine of them, going round your head.
Two in each ear, buzzing strictly words,
I hope to God, the yellow light doesn’t
seep and pour another’s beauty.
You might place her skin, her eyes
and hold the other four flies
in your mouth to die, then let
the ninth fly away with my life
but you wouldn’t or couldn’t
because fireflies are beautiful.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Eve of Hope
“I feel so fucked up sometimes I don’t even know if my friends are real,” she mumbled as she sat on the couch for her weekly hour of mental liberation. “I was thinking this is sort of like confession. I guess the only thing that’s different is my coming on Tuesday afternoon. Alike, but different. Church people leave a donation, I pay a bill. We both go once a week, although on different days, but we both go more during times of crisis.”
Dr. Stein pushed her glasses back up her nose, scribbled a few notes and said, “I never can tell what you’re going to say next. Interesting as it is, let’s focus on what you just said about not knowing if your friends are real.”
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot.” She sat a moment in silence, flipping a fifty-cent piece around in her right hand. It was obvious she was thinking as she watched the coin spin around and around in her fingertips.
Dr. Stein let her sit there a few minutes, thinking about how she had learned more from this girl by watching her than from listening. Finally she spoke with a friendly yet firm voice, “It’s time to come back. Our hour together is almost over.”
The girl blurted, “I can’t separate the shit I make up in my head from what’s real. Friends come and go so often. Maybe it’s a control thing or something, ya know? Like I create them exactly how I want them to be and control their every move. I control their lives and destinies, the way they treat me, everything. Maybe I create them so I can write about them. Then I erase them from my mind just like the words I put on paper. Sort of like creating them so I can destroy them because I’m too much of a coward to just off myself, which, in the end, would be much easier.”
She stopped talking and started flipping the coin. Dr. Stein knew she was going to say more by the way the coin was spinning in her hand.
The coin came to rest in the palm of the girl’s hand, “Sometimes I wish I’d never started coming here. Life was easier when I thought everything was real. Now I question everything. You do, you don’t.”
The girl moved from the couch to the chair at the desk across from the doctor. She did this every week when only ten minutes remained in her session. She put her arms on the desk and rested her head in her hands, “Is it possible to make forever up in your mind? Is there such a thing, or is my fairytale idea of forever just another fantasy? You can’t fall in love with something that’s not real, right?” She stopped, looked at the clock and started talking faster, “I’ve told you, I don’t know how many times over the last three years, I don’t think this is my first life. Do you think I’m living out things now that happened in one of my previous lives? Maybe I can’t distinguish when exactly something in the past happened. What if what I thought happened a few years ago really happened a few lifetimes ago?”
She looked at the clock, again and slowly stood up. “See you next week.”
“See you then. Have a good week and remember you can call if things aren’t going well.”
Dr. Stein watched the girl walk out of the office as she passed by the window, shoulders slumped, eyes to the ground. The girl paused momentarily, as if she wanted to go back in, took the fifty-cent piece from her pocket, looked at it as she mumbled to herself, and continued walking.
The doctor whispered to herself, “The next few sessions are going to be tough. There is nothing wrong with that girl; the world is all wrong for her.” The doctor closed the file and put it away, although she would look at it several times during the next week. “She’s a mystery.”
As the girl walked outside she was mumbling to herself, “Can’t even walk with your head up. You could do it with your eyes closed; you’ve walked the same line twice a week for three years.”
“Don’t you think I know that? It frustrates me more than you that I’ve wasted so much time counting the damn cracks! Know what else? I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time
listening to you!”
She could hear there was somebody walking towards her. She stopped talking and lowered her head. By the sound of the footsteps, she drew a mental imagine of what the person was going to be like. Short and stumpy, with arms swinging, resembling a chimpanzee, maybe. Balding and glasses. Fat, very fat, for sure. Most likely a registered sex offender.
She could feel the eyes on her and just as she was approaching, she snapped her head up, eyes glaring, “What the fuck are you looking at?” she growled from some voice deep within.
It startled the man, and he jumped back. She didn’t miss a step. Lowering her head, she continued walking. She heard the man say to himself, “Her eyes looked right through me. She knows all of my secrets from just one glance.”
She never turned or raised her head but yelled, “Why are you still standing there, still looking?” He quickly looked the other way and started walking.
“Why’d you have to be so mean to him? He wasn’t going to do anything. That’s why we don’t have any friends. You’re to damn mean!”
“How do you know he wasn’t going to hurt you? Last time you thought you knew everything, you ended up almost getting yourself killed. And in case you haven’t noticed, our lives are all dependent on yours.”
“Just shut up, all of you just shut the fuck up!”
“You know he’s going to see the doctor. You are like him. As much as you fight us, we are real. We’ll never leave.”
“Jesus, can’t you just be quiet. An hour would be great, but I’d settle for five minutes.”
She got in her car, which, odd as it sounds, resembled the driver. The headlights were sad like her eyes. She turned the radio on before she even shut the door. She found music always made the voices stop.
She stopped at the drive-thru on the way home just as she did every Tuesday. She ordered a cheeseburger, although she claimed she didn’t eat red meat, and then everybody woke from their music induced slumber and ordered. She pulled around to the window, and the woman smiled cautiously, “I thought there were seven people in your car ordering.”
“It’s just me. I have enough thoughts for seven people,” she said jokingly to the woman. Before pulling out of the parking lot she unwrapped the cheeseburger and bit into it like a natural born carnivore.
“Why do you do this? Once a week you eat all this food only to throw it up when you’re finished. The rest of the week you just pick here and there. Why can’t we all just eat three balanced meals a day? Maybe we would all get along better that way.”
“You guys always have to have something to bitch about. Can’t you just be happy you’re all getting what you want at the same time? Why couldn’t I get some appreciative occupants?”
When she returned from her night out with Hope, her best friend, she went right to bed.
Her weekly session always drained her. She was in bed, almost asleep when she heard, “Eve.
Hey, you awake Eve?”
“I am now. What?”
“Did you have fun with Hope?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Just wondering. Eve, I have something you might want to talk about next week with the doc. Just don’t tell the others it was me.”
“Tell me already. It better be good. I was almost asleep.”
“You know how you always say you like going out with Hope, because we are quiet the whole time? Why do you think that is? Think about it, Eve.”
“You better not be saying what I think you’re saying!”
“I gave you so much more credit. I thought for sure you would’ve figured it out by now. You never stopped to think you couldn’t hear us because we don’t talk to Hope through you. We talk to her, and her to us.”
“You lie! You don’t know what you’re talking about! Leave me alone! My best friend is real, she’s real!” She curled up in the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, and cried. She wanted to call the doctor, but she knew she needed a week to sort through it.
“I just thought you should know. I only wish you could’ve figured it out on your own.”
A week later, she went to her appointment. Instead of sitting in the waiting room, quietly as if trying to be invisible as she usually did, she paced frantically up and down the rug in front of the window. She had her head down and kept touching her forehead, either scratching or tapping the center. She was mumbling uncontrollably.
She heard Dr. Stein’s footsteps in the hall, and she turned.
“Eve, your appointment isn’t for another three hours. I couldn’t help but notice you pacing out here. Is everything alright?”
She looked up from the ground, not saying a word. The doctor could see everything in her eyes. “Come on, Eve, let’s go inside and get you something to drink. We’ll just get started a little early today.”
Eve went right to the couch in the doctor’s office. She didn’t sit perfectly even in the middle of the cushion as she usually did; instead, she turned and went to the chair at the desk. The doctor entered, noticing the change. She joked with Eve, “This is different. I feel like I should have a seat on the couch.” Eve did not laugh, but the doctor noticed the corner of her mouth turn up ever so slightly; she wanted to laugh, but she just couldn’t get it out.
She walked over and took her seat behind the desk. She noticed that she herself was feeling a little nervous. She handed a glass of water to Eve. Eve reached for the glass with two trembling hands, “Thank you.”
“How long has it been since you slept?”
“I don’t know, a few days maybe.”
“Have you had anything to eat?”
“Around the last time I slept. Don’t even remember what it was.”
“You hungry? I was heading to lunch when I caught a glimpse of you outside the window. We can order Chinese? Or pizza?”
“Actually, I think I am a little hungry. Vegetable mei fun sounds good.”
“I’ll order then. Be right back.” The doctor could’ve ordered from her desk but she wanted to leave Eve alone in the office. She wanted to see what she’d be doing when she returned, although she knew Eve would already know this is why she left.
When she returned to the office, Eve was standing in front of the window. She turned to the doctor, “I never noticed how wonderful the view is. Didn’t even know you could see the river from here. Ha-ha.”
“The food should be here in a few minutes. Do…”
“Do you mind if I watch out the window until it gets here?” Eve just stood there, looking out the window until somebody from the office knocked at the door. “Food’s here.” Eve was back in the chair at the desk before the doctor was done getting their lunch at the door. Dr. Stein was startled as she turned, “My goodness, I didn’t even see you walk across the room.”
They ate in silence. Eve thinking about where she should even begin and the doctor thinking what she should be expecting. Their thinking kept the silence from being awkward.
Eve put her chopsticks down and sat straight up in the chair. She waited for the doctor to stop chewing; then she started talking. It didn’t even appear she was directing the conversation at the doctor. “Is Hope real? They said she isn’t. The more I think about it, the more I fear they may be right.”
“Who told you that?”
“One of them. I can’t say which one. They asked if I ever noticed how they were always quiet when Hope was around.”
“Maybe they are just quiet because you are able to ignore them when you’re enjoying
yourself.”
“No. That’s not it. It’s because they talk to Hope. I had no idea they were talking to her. They didn’t need me to be their voice; she just heard them. They read her thoughts and didn’t need my ears to hear her.”
“How do you know for sure they are right?”
“Hope came over, and they were telling me what the other was saying with out me saying or hearing it. It made me crazy!” She stood up quickly and started pacing the room. “She wouldn’t leave. No matter what I did, she never left. She just left this morning. She’s not real, is she?” She met the doctor’s eyes with a look of desperation.
The doctor sat for a moment. She wasn’t really sure what to do. The girl said, “You don’t know, do you?”
“How about if you call her? Tell me the number, and I’ll dial it. If she answers, then you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“I don’t know the number.”
“Do you have it at home? You can try it then.”
“No, I mean I don’t know the number. I don’t have it. She always calls me. She never even gave me her number.” The look on her face told the doctor she was starting to realize the truth.
“Oh my God! You mean I’ve been running around with a person that doesn’t exist anywhere other than my mind? In public?” She stopped talking and burst into tears. In three years, the doctor had never seen her cry. “You mean my best friend, my only friend, isn’t real? I would rather she have been a real person and died than to have died in my reality, only to occupy a grave in one of my fucked up fantasies!”
“If they are right about this, I’m never going to know what’s real. I’m not even sure I trust the past as I remember it to be reality. My life is one big fucking lie. I’m a lie! I don’t even know who I am. I share one body with eight minds!” She started crying harder.
The doctor let her cry for a few minutes as she thought how to delicately approach the subject of medication. She came up with nothing, knowing Eve hated when people didn’t come right out and say what they were thinking. “Eve, maybe it’s time we talk more about the medication.”
“Let’s not. You know I will never take that poison. I don’t need your damn pills; I just need to know what’s real and what’s not!”
The doctor started to say something more about medication, but she cut her off mid-sentence, “Look at the clock. I’ve been here an hour already. Sorry I came so early. Guess I’m not feeling as talkative today as I thought.”
She headed toward the door with moves so quick and graceful, the doctor thought she floated on air in the blink of an eye. “I’d feel better if you stayed and talked a little longer.”
“I’d rather go. I don’t have much to say at the moment. I’ll talk a ton next week. Thanks for lunch.”
“Please, Eve, come sit back down. Just for a little bit.”
“I never said I was having suicidal or homicidal ideations or anything, so I’m going. I’ll see you next week. Call you if I need anything. Bye, Dr. Stein. Thanks for everything.”
“You call me if you need anything. See you soon, Eve.” Eve never said goodbye; she always left it at see you next week. The doctor was sitting in her first session after Eve had left. She couldn’t concentrate and cancelled all of her remaining afternoon appointments. As she walked through the parking garage she noticed Eve’s car still there. She walked over and looked through the windows to make sure she wasn’t inside.
She ran to her car. She wasn’t sure why she was running, then headed toward Eve’s place. She could hear the music before she even pulled onto Eve’s street. She parked in a flurry, half in the yard half in the driveway. With the car still running, door wide open, she ran to the door. The front door was open, and she yelled inside, “Eve, you in here? It’s Dr. Stein. Just making sure you’re alright. Can I come in?”
She didn’t fully recognize the voice that yelled from inside, “Come on in doc. I’m in the study. Let your ears be your guide, or just take a left.”
She found her way slowly to the study. It looked as though the house had been burglarized; pictures were knocked off the walls, lamps knocked over, and holes in the wall. You could hardly see the floor. A scream slipped out when she entered the study.
“Oh, it’s good to see you too, doc.” She was holding a gun in her hand.
“Eve, what on earth are you doing with that thing. I thought you hated guns?”
“I’m not Eve. I see how much you really listened to her. Can’t even recognize her! I’m Hope, asshole.”
“Well then, Hope, what are you going to do with the gun?”
“Can’t tell you, but I sure can show ya. But seeing how you couldn’t even tell the two of us apart, guess it’d be best I just tell ya. You see, Eve has been suffocating us. She was learning how to fight us, ignore us--we just couldn’t have that. Then she started thinking about telling you she was interested in the electroshock therapy and all the poison you mentioned awhile back. She almost came back in last week after her session, but we distracted her. Guess it’s a good thing.”
The doctor asked, “It was you that came to my office today, not Eve, wasn’t it?”
“Now you’re catching on, doc.”
“I’m going to kill Eve so that we can all be free from her constraint. She hasn’t done much for us anyway. She just wasn’t going anywhere, keeping us suppressed and down at her level.”
“Did you ever think it’s because you were keeping her down?”
“Wow, doc, that’s an effective way to help a patient.”
“You’re not my patient. Eve is.”
She put the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger -- not once, but twice. She fell to the floor, graceful in only a way Eve could be.
Dr. Stein pushed her glasses back up her nose, scribbled a few notes and said, “I never can tell what you’re going to say next. Interesting as it is, let’s focus on what you just said about not knowing if your friends are real.”
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot.” She sat a moment in silence, flipping a fifty-cent piece around in her right hand. It was obvious she was thinking as she watched the coin spin around and around in her fingertips.
Dr. Stein let her sit there a few minutes, thinking about how she had learned more from this girl by watching her than from listening. Finally she spoke with a friendly yet firm voice, “It’s time to come back. Our hour together is almost over.”
The girl blurted, “I can’t separate the shit I make up in my head from what’s real. Friends come and go so often. Maybe it’s a control thing or something, ya know? Like I create them exactly how I want them to be and control their every move. I control their lives and destinies, the way they treat me, everything. Maybe I create them so I can write about them. Then I erase them from my mind just like the words I put on paper. Sort of like creating them so I can destroy them because I’m too much of a coward to just off myself, which, in the end, would be much easier.”
She stopped talking and started flipping the coin. Dr. Stein knew she was going to say more by the way the coin was spinning in her hand.
The coin came to rest in the palm of the girl’s hand, “Sometimes I wish I’d never started coming here. Life was easier when I thought everything was real. Now I question everything. You do, you don’t.”
The girl moved from the couch to the chair at the desk across from the doctor. She did this every week when only ten minutes remained in her session. She put her arms on the desk and rested her head in her hands, “Is it possible to make forever up in your mind? Is there such a thing, or is my fairytale idea of forever just another fantasy? You can’t fall in love with something that’s not real, right?” She stopped, looked at the clock and started talking faster, “I’ve told you, I don’t know how many times over the last three years, I don’t think this is my first life. Do you think I’m living out things now that happened in one of my previous lives? Maybe I can’t distinguish when exactly something in the past happened. What if what I thought happened a few years ago really happened a few lifetimes ago?”
She looked at the clock, again and slowly stood up. “See you next week.”
“See you then. Have a good week and remember you can call if things aren’t going well.”
Dr. Stein watched the girl walk out of the office as she passed by the window, shoulders slumped, eyes to the ground. The girl paused momentarily, as if she wanted to go back in, took the fifty-cent piece from her pocket, looked at it as she mumbled to herself, and continued walking.
The doctor whispered to herself, “The next few sessions are going to be tough. There is nothing wrong with that girl; the world is all wrong for her.” The doctor closed the file and put it away, although she would look at it several times during the next week. “She’s a mystery.”
As the girl walked outside she was mumbling to herself, “Can’t even walk with your head up. You could do it with your eyes closed; you’ve walked the same line twice a week for three years.”
“Don’t you think I know that? It frustrates me more than you that I’ve wasted so much time counting the damn cracks! Know what else? I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time
listening to you!”
She could hear there was somebody walking towards her. She stopped talking and lowered her head. By the sound of the footsteps, she drew a mental imagine of what the person was going to be like. Short and stumpy, with arms swinging, resembling a chimpanzee, maybe. Balding and glasses. Fat, very fat, for sure. Most likely a registered sex offender.
She could feel the eyes on her and just as she was approaching, she snapped her head up, eyes glaring, “What the fuck are you looking at?” she growled from some voice deep within.
It startled the man, and he jumped back. She didn’t miss a step. Lowering her head, she continued walking. She heard the man say to himself, “Her eyes looked right through me. She knows all of my secrets from just one glance.”
She never turned or raised her head but yelled, “Why are you still standing there, still looking?” He quickly looked the other way and started walking.
“Why’d you have to be so mean to him? He wasn’t going to do anything. That’s why we don’t have any friends. You’re to damn mean!”
“How do you know he wasn’t going to hurt you? Last time you thought you knew everything, you ended up almost getting yourself killed. And in case you haven’t noticed, our lives are all dependent on yours.”
“Just shut up, all of you just shut the fuck up!”
“You know he’s going to see the doctor. You are like him. As much as you fight us, we are real. We’ll never leave.”
“Jesus, can’t you just be quiet. An hour would be great, but I’d settle for five minutes.”
She got in her car, which, odd as it sounds, resembled the driver. The headlights were sad like her eyes. She turned the radio on before she even shut the door. She found music always made the voices stop.
She stopped at the drive-thru on the way home just as she did every Tuesday. She ordered a cheeseburger, although she claimed she didn’t eat red meat, and then everybody woke from their music induced slumber and ordered. She pulled around to the window, and the woman smiled cautiously, “I thought there were seven people in your car ordering.”
“It’s just me. I have enough thoughts for seven people,” she said jokingly to the woman. Before pulling out of the parking lot she unwrapped the cheeseburger and bit into it like a natural born carnivore.
“Why do you do this? Once a week you eat all this food only to throw it up when you’re finished. The rest of the week you just pick here and there. Why can’t we all just eat three balanced meals a day? Maybe we would all get along better that way.”
“You guys always have to have something to bitch about. Can’t you just be happy you’re all getting what you want at the same time? Why couldn’t I get some appreciative occupants?”
When she returned from her night out with Hope, her best friend, she went right to bed.
Her weekly session always drained her. She was in bed, almost asleep when she heard, “Eve.
Hey, you awake Eve?”
“I am now. What?”
“Did you have fun with Hope?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Just wondering. Eve, I have something you might want to talk about next week with the doc. Just don’t tell the others it was me.”
“Tell me already. It better be good. I was almost asleep.”
“You know how you always say you like going out with Hope, because we are quiet the whole time? Why do you think that is? Think about it, Eve.”
“You better not be saying what I think you’re saying!”
“I gave you so much more credit. I thought for sure you would’ve figured it out by now. You never stopped to think you couldn’t hear us because we don’t talk to Hope through you. We talk to her, and her to us.”
“You lie! You don’t know what you’re talking about! Leave me alone! My best friend is real, she’s real!” She curled up in the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, and cried. She wanted to call the doctor, but she knew she needed a week to sort through it.
“I just thought you should know. I only wish you could’ve figured it out on your own.”
A week later, she went to her appointment. Instead of sitting in the waiting room, quietly as if trying to be invisible as she usually did, she paced frantically up and down the rug in front of the window. She had her head down and kept touching her forehead, either scratching or tapping the center. She was mumbling uncontrollably.
She heard Dr. Stein’s footsteps in the hall, and she turned.
“Eve, your appointment isn’t for another three hours. I couldn’t help but notice you pacing out here. Is everything alright?”
She looked up from the ground, not saying a word. The doctor could see everything in her eyes. “Come on, Eve, let’s go inside and get you something to drink. We’ll just get started a little early today.”
Eve went right to the couch in the doctor’s office. She didn’t sit perfectly even in the middle of the cushion as she usually did; instead, she turned and went to the chair at the desk. The doctor entered, noticing the change. She joked with Eve, “This is different. I feel like I should have a seat on the couch.” Eve did not laugh, but the doctor noticed the corner of her mouth turn up ever so slightly; she wanted to laugh, but she just couldn’t get it out.
She walked over and took her seat behind the desk. She noticed that she herself was feeling a little nervous. She handed a glass of water to Eve. Eve reached for the glass with two trembling hands, “Thank you.”
“How long has it been since you slept?”
“I don’t know, a few days maybe.”
“Have you had anything to eat?”
“Around the last time I slept. Don’t even remember what it was.”
“You hungry? I was heading to lunch when I caught a glimpse of you outside the window. We can order Chinese? Or pizza?”
“Actually, I think I am a little hungry. Vegetable mei fun sounds good.”
“I’ll order then. Be right back.” The doctor could’ve ordered from her desk but she wanted to leave Eve alone in the office. She wanted to see what she’d be doing when she returned, although she knew Eve would already know this is why she left.
When she returned to the office, Eve was standing in front of the window. She turned to the doctor, “I never noticed how wonderful the view is. Didn’t even know you could see the river from here. Ha-ha.”
“The food should be here in a few minutes. Do…”
“Do you mind if I watch out the window until it gets here?” Eve just stood there, looking out the window until somebody from the office knocked at the door. “Food’s here.” Eve was back in the chair at the desk before the doctor was done getting their lunch at the door. Dr. Stein was startled as she turned, “My goodness, I didn’t even see you walk across the room.”
They ate in silence. Eve thinking about where she should even begin and the doctor thinking what she should be expecting. Their thinking kept the silence from being awkward.
Eve put her chopsticks down and sat straight up in the chair. She waited for the doctor to stop chewing; then she started talking. It didn’t even appear she was directing the conversation at the doctor. “Is Hope real? They said she isn’t. The more I think about it, the more I fear they may be right.”
“Who told you that?”
“One of them. I can’t say which one. They asked if I ever noticed how they were always quiet when Hope was around.”
“Maybe they are just quiet because you are able to ignore them when you’re enjoying
yourself.”
“No. That’s not it. It’s because they talk to Hope. I had no idea they were talking to her. They didn’t need me to be their voice; she just heard them. They read her thoughts and didn’t need my ears to hear her.”
“How do you know for sure they are right?”
“Hope came over, and they were telling me what the other was saying with out me saying or hearing it. It made me crazy!” She stood up quickly and started pacing the room. “She wouldn’t leave. No matter what I did, she never left. She just left this morning. She’s not real, is she?” She met the doctor’s eyes with a look of desperation.
The doctor sat for a moment. She wasn’t really sure what to do. The girl said, “You don’t know, do you?”
“How about if you call her? Tell me the number, and I’ll dial it. If she answers, then you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“I don’t know the number.”
“Do you have it at home? You can try it then.”
“No, I mean I don’t know the number. I don’t have it. She always calls me. She never even gave me her number.” The look on her face told the doctor she was starting to realize the truth.
“Oh my God! You mean I’ve been running around with a person that doesn’t exist anywhere other than my mind? In public?” She stopped talking and burst into tears. In three years, the doctor had never seen her cry. “You mean my best friend, my only friend, isn’t real? I would rather she have been a real person and died than to have died in my reality, only to occupy a grave in one of my fucked up fantasies!”
“If they are right about this, I’m never going to know what’s real. I’m not even sure I trust the past as I remember it to be reality. My life is one big fucking lie. I’m a lie! I don’t even know who I am. I share one body with eight minds!” She started crying harder.
The doctor let her cry for a few minutes as she thought how to delicately approach the subject of medication. She came up with nothing, knowing Eve hated when people didn’t come right out and say what they were thinking. “Eve, maybe it’s time we talk more about the medication.”
“Let’s not. You know I will never take that poison. I don’t need your damn pills; I just need to know what’s real and what’s not!”
The doctor started to say something more about medication, but she cut her off mid-sentence, “Look at the clock. I’ve been here an hour already. Sorry I came so early. Guess I’m not feeling as talkative today as I thought.”
She headed toward the door with moves so quick and graceful, the doctor thought she floated on air in the blink of an eye. “I’d feel better if you stayed and talked a little longer.”
“I’d rather go. I don’t have much to say at the moment. I’ll talk a ton next week. Thanks for lunch.”
“Please, Eve, come sit back down. Just for a little bit.”
“I never said I was having suicidal or homicidal ideations or anything, so I’m going. I’ll see you next week. Call you if I need anything. Bye, Dr. Stein. Thanks for everything.”
“You call me if you need anything. See you soon, Eve.” Eve never said goodbye; she always left it at see you next week. The doctor was sitting in her first session after Eve had left. She couldn’t concentrate and cancelled all of her remaining afternoon appointments. As she walked through the parking garage she noticed Eve’s car still there. She walked over and looked through the windows to make sure she wasn’t inside.
She ran to her car. She wasn’t sure why she was running, then headed toward Eve’s place. She could hear the music before she even pulled onto Eve’s street. She parked in a flurry, half in the yard half in the driveway. With the car still running, door wide open, she ran to the door. The front door was open, and she yelled inside, “Eve, you in here? It’s Dr. Stein. Just making sure you’re alright. Can I come in?”
She didn’t fully recognize the voice that yelled from inside, “Come on in doc. I’m in the study. Let your ears be your guide, or just take a left.”
She found her way slowly to the study. It looked as though the house had been burglarized; pictures were knocked off the walls, lamps knocked over, and holes in the wall. You could hardly see the floor. A scream slipped out when she entered the study.
“Oh, it’s good to see you too, doc.” She was holding a gun in her hand.
“Eve, what on earth are you doing with that thing. I thought you hated guns?”
“I’m not Eve. I see how much you really listened to her. Can’t even recognize her! I’m Hope, asshole.”
“Well then, Hope, what are you going to do with the gun?”
“Can’t tell you, but I sure can show ya. But seeing how you couldn’t even tell the two of us apart, guess it’d be best I just tell ya. You see, Eve has been suffocating us. She was learning how to fight us, ignore us--we just couldn’t have that. Then she started thinking about telling you she was interested in the electroshock therapy and all the poison you mentioned awhile back. She almost came back in last week after her session, but we distracted her. Guess it’s a good thing.”
The doctor asked, “It was you that came to my office today, not Eve, wasn’t it?”
“Now you’re catching on, doc.”
“I’m going to kill Eve so that we can all be free from her constraint. She hasn’t done much for us anyway. She just wasn’t going anywhere, keeping us suppressed and down at her level.”
“Did you ever think it’s because you were keeping her down?”
“Wow, doc, that’s an effective way to help a patient.”
“You’re not my patient. Eve is.”
She put the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger -- not once, but twice. She fell to the floor, graceful in only a way Eve could be.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Ready-mades
What’s past is that
and mostly written,
but no more thought
or wishing it back.
I’m bride-day happy
and write in truth,
thanks to authors, who
change right with me.
No more pining
for those ready-mades
so perfectly in
my fantasy head.
What’s done is that,
and it did come
with life hits,
hard and easy.
One word stable
when anything but
happens here and carries
to catch wind of love.
Loyalty is real,
and so is she,
as she blows the past
and creates better words.
and mostly written,
but no more thought
or wishing it back.
I’m bride-day happy
and write in truth,
thanks to authors, who
change right with me.
No more pining
for those ready-mades
so perfectly in
my fantasy head.
What’s done is that,
and it did come
with life hits,
hard and easy.
One word stable
when anything but
happens here and carries
to catch wind of love.
Loyalty is real,
and so is she,
as she blows the past
and creates better words.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Ashes
Peace Minster, no arms
I shout in East LA,
and hope to God, I live
through the rain.
It’s nothing I’ve seen
or hope for again,
but it falls and burns
going in my lungs.
Fire, be damned
the world’s going to end,
I’ve heard and rejected
through dead, smoky air.
I shouldn’t be running,
I know that well,
but my heart
won’t stop, even in hell.
At least that’s what I think
as it’s happening here,
and I run through it
not giving in.
The ashes aren’t sky
or her crumbling in.
People are crazy,
it will blow away clear.
Peace Minster, no arms
it’s done and gone,
as I’ve stopped my legs
right on the lawn.
I look at blue sky,
her face and eyes,
and brush the ashes
as we move along fine.
I shout in East LA,
and hope to God, I live
through the rain.
It’s nothing I’ve seen
or hope for again,
but it falls and burns
going in my lungs.
Fire, be damned
the world’s going to end,
I’ve heard and rejected
through dead, smoky air.
I shouldn’t be running,
I know that well,
but my heart
won’t stop, even in hell.
At least that’s what I think
as it’s happening here,
and I run through it
not giving in.
The ashes aren’t sky
or her crumbling in.
People are crazy,
it will blow away clear.
Peace Minster, no arms
it’s done and gone,
as I’ve stopped my legs
right on the lawn.
I look at blue sky,
her face and eyes,
and brush the ashes
as we move along fine.
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